the impregnable call of the shofar

Dear little ones,


There are some experiences that may be indescribable. Or, at least, incredibly difficult to articulate. This letter has been difficult to write because it is hard to put into words and yet, I find I must. As I have told you in recent letters, I found myself this summer in a way I had given up hope for. It almost seems a stereotype that it was on a women's-journey-trip to and around Israel. But no matter. The nature of a spiritual experience is such that when it happens it ceases to matter if it sounds stereotypical, trite, corny. By its merit, it does not matter.


So I want to relay to you, so that you do not miss any vital experiences out of your own life, how this came about. You may find there is a place deep down where you have an inkling to make a left turn, or to stop and wait, or to take a breather, or to say yes....I want you to know that I found this trip on the internet. That I kept searching for a trip that I may go on with my family and the search engine kept bringing me back to this women's trip. And so I filled out the application. Then, they asked to meet me, and I said yes. They asked how I felt about who I was, what I was doing and they asked about you. And I told them the truth. They asked if I would take a journey with them and leave my most precious darlings behind with my beloved husband and I said (after talking it over with your father) okay, I would do that.


So my first message is showing up can mean and be everything, as it turns out. (And listen to your inner voice.)
Even if what you show up for was not what you intended or thought you wanted.


Now that is how I ended up standing in the Old City, looking up at the Western Wall. I mean to say, that is how I physically was actually there. (Well that and the gifts of time and money and organization that actually put that trip together, but that is for a different topic, and I digress.)


So I am physically there but what I could not plan, what was to become a part of me, was mostly because of everything that I thought was wrong. Wrong with me. Wrong about me. Difficulties, insecurities, fears... I had questions in my heart I did not know were there. I was too afraid to give them expression let alone words. So much seemed wrong before then. My answer to this was to just keep going. Keep busy. Don't reflect about some things. But that is all okay now and I will tell you why.


That is my next message for you. My most ironic and humorous experience. Pain and suffering, they can be just fine. They may be more than fine. The insecurities, the angst. If they had not been there, I would not have had any questions in my heart. I would not have been seeking. I would not have been there as I was. I had to be who I was in that moment to experience that moment. It is funny to me now because of the amount of worry and time spent pretending...having worries about my worries. I mean it can be exhausting. But if not for all that, the vessel I brought to the Old City may have been too full to receive a gift. I needed to feel a bit spent, a bit empty. I can see that now. And more than that, I can see it is okay to be imperfect and sometimes the more flawed the better.


So there I am. My siddur in hand. My ability to read Hebrew, poor. My self judgment, loud. The weather, 20 degrees past hot. I brought some prayers for others and offered them to the wall. I read the prayer in the book. I read some prayers I had written down for our family. Then, on an impulse, and because I saw someone else do it (thousands of things I have done in my life because I saw someone who looked happier do something....).... I put my head against the wall. Just like that.


There was no heat. I had no outfit to adjust. I had no comparisons to make. I had no thoughts to think.
It all just stopped. I did not have to hurry and I did not have to stay.


As I backed away from the wall, I had this sense of being right sized in the world, in the right moment, at the appointed time. And not that the world stopped for me but that there was a part of me there that realized this Truth was always available. And this Truth is still here, with me now. No matter what has happened since I have returned home, personally or in the world, this Connection is still Here. This sense of the truth of my heart, that "You are a shelter for me,  You guard me (from trouble); (and) with songs of deliverance You encompass me forever."


For the first time in my life I was completely at home, right where I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to be. And it has not left me. Sure, I feel bad, sad, angry, up and down. But there is a bookmark in this place in my soul that is not shaken. Not lost.


I have marveled at this new sense of Protection and Love. Then the sound of the shofar called it back to me. Back up to the surface of being. Back into the infinite now. I was already Blessed and Loved. But now, even now, I live in Blessing and Love. And for me, there has been a difference.


So show up. Follow that deep down voice. Embrace the awkward moments and the sense of otherness and even the mistakes and insecurities. They may come in so handy one day. Have your eyes wide open my darling girls. For you are Loved beyond Measure. Beyond Description. I have witnessed it in myself. There is Great Love always around you and surrounding you. Seen or unseen. Felt or unfelt. I hope that the sound of the Shofar will touch your souls and your hearts as it even now touches mine.


And no matter what choices you make and roads you go down, may you Know you are Surrounded by Great Love.


Yours, with all my heart,
Mama