So... life with anxiety.
I cannot drive my daughter to school.
I cannot be spotted in the building during the day by her.
Objects cannot be on the edge of a shelf or table.
I cannot do another activity while she does homework.
I have to answer the phone at 530 am at work.
I have to answer a facetime call at 730 pm at work.
Her father cannot put her blankets on until I facetime with her. Then he has to put them in a certain order.
If she doesn't get her way she rolls on the floor.
She has had panic attacks during which she cannot breathe and I have almost taken her to the ED.
She screams if she stubs her toe, has a tag in her clothing.
I am embarrassed that she will not look other grown ups in the eye and say thank you or hello - she seems rude but I suspect she is afraid.
She checks 2 -3 times a day what time I will be home, what time she will see me next.
She yells at my husband 5 - 20 times a day.
She throws things.
Sometimes I wake up, have an hour to pray, pick up my kids and emotionally wrestle with myself and referee my family for the 3 hours before I leave for work.
When is your child ill and struggling and when are they just obnoxious? Where do civilized people draw the line between reacting in anger and discipline? How do you grow a child who is confident but not the center of the universe? And how do you stay on the same page as your spouse on what to do next?
I suppose we all have our triggers, our own issues.
I want my daughter to stay strong, without overpowering the rest of us. G-d I wish sometimes I could just hold her like when she was a baby and all she would have to do is see my face to know all is well. I really miss that.
G-d split the red sea, returns my soul to me each day, brought us out of slavery... I think maybe He can handle the Chaloms.
How can I do anything but with Hashem?
Each day I daven, I say the words: מוֹדֶה אֲנִי לְפָנֶֽיךָ: I am grateful before You.... I used to have a hard time with that. The big things: My father being ill, in a way nice people do not want to be talking about. Just watching the news, what people do to each other. The littler struggles day to day with being a wife, an observant Jew, a mother, getting "it" all done. Then my daughter posing as an extra challenge? What then? How am I grateful before G-d?
What is it to be Praiseworthy? This is about elevation, inner light like a candle drawing closer to Hashem. I cannot give my family hope I do not have myself. I cannot give emunah, if it is not living in me. Blessed is Hashem for all that I do have in my life, and also for all that I do not have in my life. I used to want 5 kids - it has not been my path. Thank G-d, I am Blessed, I have time to devote to helping my one with struggles and time to devote to my one that has few struggles, Thank G-d. I live in MoCo - there are more support groups and yoga classes and therapists than we could see in a lifetime. Thank G-d. I am employed, I have insurance, Thank G-d. I am generally healthy and have a gym access at work for $10 a month to de-stress, Thank G-d.
I am before You, gratefully. And each time I take the time to Thank Hashem for All of It, I am on the path that gives me Light, and Hope and Faith. I also, Thank G-d, am never alone.
This last night of Chanukah was not the spiritual evening I had in mind. It was what it was and it was a Blessing. My relationship with my daughter was also not what I had in mind. It is a Blessing.
To light a match to light a candle there is friction for the spark. What would life be without that?
Hopeful and Grateful,
And Blessed,
B.
