Mama's D'var Torah

Dvar Torah

Sept 22, 2018

Parshat Ha’Azinu

I once had an idea while I was at work. Slow night.  I decided I needed to find a way to get to Israel.

I had never been -  so I didn’t know yet how true that need was.  But I googled.

Ended up on some list for birthright - took me forever to convince them that I was way outside that

window. But I also happened upon a woman's trip.

So I applied. I read reviews: ‘geared towards women of a secular leaning looking for something More.’

Not really my story. But I heard back anyway. An interview. An acceptance to the group and in June

of 2017 I checked my passport, packed my bag and joined a tour guided by leaders from Aish.

I answered some weird questions from the El Al attendants in La Guardia and then after a nap I

landed in Tel Aviv. The next day we board a bus, over a hill to Yerushalayim. Just like that.

So easy. The only expense to me was for incidentals. Just like that. Merit, can be used as a noun or

a verb but essentially “to deserve, be worthy, to have a claim.” According to the leaders of our group

and their guest speakers, I had merit to be in Eretz Yisrael. They had a program of lectures and tours

that ensured, in my case,  that any part of me that questioned, in the dark recesses of my mind, my

merit for being there - that it was exposed as false. I Belonged there in a way I had always wanted to

belong but did not know was possible.

So who was I? I was a spirit seeker from the beginning of my memory. I was lost for the first half of my

life. Made some interesting choices. Also made a few bad ones. Not going to catalogue my sins here.

At one point I was desperately lost. Almost dangerously. And then I found my way, slowly.

I tell other people I was lucky - right place and right time - and met my husband. With other people I will

go further & admit it was because I was engaged in the service of a friend. But I do not mind telling you

all, I was meant to meet my soulmate and B’H’ I was in a place to heed that call. And so - as a

consequence of meeting my future husband -  I discovered that I was in fact Jewish all along. I just

didn’t know it. No wonder I was lost.

People speak of conversion. Others say Jew by Choice. I have no choice. Anymore than I do of my age,

my family of origin. It just is. Which led me to study, marry, mother and google for a trip to Israel. So

what of this merit?

So I come to this parsha with this history. Caught up on the idea of merit. Because as I read and studied

for today, I wanted to explore the verses of this Shira…Yet I was troubled by the end of it. Of how Moshe

ended his days. Why would I merit to go to Israel and Moshe, not???

Moshe lead us. Sacrificed for us. Granted, he was an Israelite initially raised to be Egyptian, and then he

did commit a self-defense type of murder. A rough start if you will.  

But he was Moshe Rabbeinu. He was a channel of information from Hashem. I have the occasional

nudge but no direct communication myself. At the end, Moshe delivers this Shira, this beautiful and in

parts brutal song, on his final day.

Rashi tells us that Moshe calls on heaven and earth as witnesses, knowing he was mortal and would

die. There is so much to the Shira itself, but I am not going to discuss that. What I want to touch upon is

what has been on my mind, this Rosh Hoshanah, this last yom Kippur. At the end of it all Moshe is told

he will asend Har Nevo, and he was granted a view of of the Promised land but he was to die there, on

the mountain, for the sin of breaking faith with G-d when striking the rock to produce water in the Desert

of Tzin and in doing so, as a leader he was failing to uphold G-ds sanctity.

So I had a free trip to Israel. And I went there. They did not take me to Jordan and tell me to enjoy my

view and take me home.  I walked up to the Kotel and lacking the ability to pray properly I prayed without

words and was rewarded with a singular gift. One of the most Holy moments of my life. Merit. By the

way, the day before I left for Israel I had a giant fight with my soulmate. The year before I went I

struggled with anger and my reactions. Merit.

Rashi relates Moshe and Aaron disobeyed by striking the Rock when they were commanded to speak

to it.  In the Midrash another commentary discusses the idea that they had the wrong rock,

demonstrating a lack of focus , lack of kavanah. Rabbi Moses Ibn Gikatilla made a point that they

that cried out in anger and therefore it may have seemed that their anger, human power, not G-ds

Power,  commanded water from a rock.

A bit differently, Moses ibn Ezra explains they failed to demonstrate Kiddush Hashem by their

behavior. And in so doing demonstrated the profane instead. That sounds a bit more serious than

confusing rocks - put in that way.  

Yet still, how is this not a huge paradox? Or even a mistake? I searched but could not really find an

answer:

I who lash out in anger, and apologize… I who confuse the rocks… I who have failed to demonstrate

the great fact of my experience at The Wall so many times since it occurred. I merit?

But ultimately, it did occur to me during my search for the answer, that I have been looking at this

comparison - my sojourn to Israel and Moshe Rabbeinu’s lack of arrival there - from the wrong angle

altogether. For while I needed to go to physical Israel to experience the Spiritual Israel, it is unlikely

Moshe had that need on any level.  When I listen to the words of his Shira with that in mind - it sounds

that way to me. My concern seems like a folly. And this parsha has happy ending after all. (And

according to my daughter, that sounds like an answer enough to her).

Moshe sang us a song of joy, hope, love, and warning and in it he admonished us to be better than

our base selves - to rise as high as angels. And since I was there - the physical and spiritual place of

Israel, I have had my moments - close to that Holy place and moments of anger, of striking my rock in

anger, where I have climbed up Har Nevo - but I can still see the view.

On a final note,

As we move -  as a community - from our recent period of self examination and resolutions and towards

this new year with its new beginnings and its hope,

I look forward to seeing all the ways that we continue to lift each other higher.

And when we each, as we must, climb up our mountains and in our own way strike a rock, may

we all remind each other of our Holiness as individuals, and as a community. Of how we belong.

Of our merit.

Shabbat Shalom.

Belated Birthday Letter

It is early morning Rebekah and I woke at 0430 and realized I never wrote your birthday letter this year.

Mea culpa my love. This spring has been full of family challenges: losses and growths. And the time as gone by and now here we are in August.

So back to you. You turned 7 this year. You have come into your own likes and dislikes. Each year you speak up for yourself, more and more, and stand your ground. You have become so adept at expressing your feelings even when it is happening in the moment and is hard. You are still quiet but you do make yourself heard. The grown you have had this year, not just being taller with longer hair, but coming to be you, it is a Blessing to see.

Your sister has intermittently had a rough few months and honestly, it has seemed to help you grow, speak up and out. Even more important: excuse yourself and tell the house and the world, you would just rather be left alone right now.

You are funny. You are so affectionate and kind. You do have a head in the clouds - I love that about you because it is my go to as well.

Your wish list this year, in case you ever want to look back and remember has included sleepovers with friends and having time to play by yourself as well as your sister. You seem to love math, mostly to avoid Hebrew, but I get that too. You work quickly to move on to enjoying your time and you know what you value.

For those log term goals, you seem to be fairly consistent. You want a mansion, on your own, of course. You want a number of cats and because you know I am allergic you will always shower before you come over to visit me. You will require a limo service, even just to go to 7-11 and you are considering being famous or a vet or both. When I showed you an example of how intrusive the public can be for a famous person, you seemed to lean toward the vet gig.

You also can do so many amazing things: dance moves stay with you from class and you have so much inherent grace. You can do the splits - something I worked on for years and gave up. You sing and laugh and really seem to enjoy your life, which fills my heart.

I love you my darling girl. I thank G-d you are in my life.

Yours, always,
Mama

אני לדודי

My daughters,


This year I have been doing something new. When I say a prayer over you at Shabbat, I say a prayer for your soulmate, whomever that may turn out to be. This idea was planted by a trip leader in Israel and has stuck with me. I hope and imagine that your soulmates' mothers are blessing them as well. My hope is that they are loved and cherished wherever they are. That they grow to be respectful and kind and that they merit to deserve your love.

I know something about this. To you my husband is your father. Daddy. He is there to drive you places, cook our food, remind you to do things like say "thank you" and put your laundry away. He always there for you. When I am off to work, he tucks you in, brushes your teeth, helps you pick out your clothes for tomorrow. But to me he is something more.

I often think of my husband in terms of being my beshert (I know that is Yiddish but to me it is the best word - as I often say in my letters to you, words often fail the meaning of the heart, but we do our best). He is, truly, my other half.  In a very meaningful and real way, the entire course of my life was altered by our meeting, recognizing each other and, after some time, joining together under the chuppah.

When I do refer to him in these terms, as my soulmate, or as you hear me call to him as dodi, depending on my audience some people seem amused by this. In fact, I have been met with laughter on occasion. But this is cynicism and is of no consequence. He is my soulmate, and that is fact. The point of faith I wish to share with you is that this does exist. It is real. However, no one's actual life is like a Hallmark movie or a Jane Austin novel. I think we demonstrate this to you every day but if it is not clear, please understand the gift of finding one's soulmate is much like the rest of life. It is not without work. It does require effort. Some days more effort than others. And a relationship demands some creativity as well.  John Gray in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, imparts that "The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win." Like I said, this will take creativity.

There are many parts to a wedding ceremony, each with its own meaning and significance. And the final part takes place under the chuppah, a home of sorts, where two people come together to no longer be separate but are joined as one. Each day is an opportunity to reunify. For in this life we are separate. Sometimes, you may have noticed, your father and I may appear opposite. This used to bother me. Worry me. But I am learning that we are two halves and therefore not meant to be the same. Besides, where would be the elevation and growth without these differences? There was a magic about the chuppah that I carry with me to this day. And each day is a time to help build ourselves up and grow together. We are Blessed by our differences as much as by our unity.

In looking at the text on the original relationship of Adam and Chava they seem to make a mess of it right away. She takes the fruit that is forbidden and gives it to Adam. He blames her for it when Hashem questions him. Then they have to leave their home. For good. So for one thing, we learn, even in Eden, we are able and maybe prone to make mistakes. In other words, sitting around and thinking about, "If I only had this....money, home, stuff....all would be easy and well." This is not true and not our journey. Because even when we had everything possible we could look for more and in so doing, make a poor choice. On this note, not that it was a choice, almost three months ago now my husband lost his "job." Not even close to Eden. And the truth is I have never been happier and never been more in love. So it is not the stuff.

We do make mistakes, we disagree, we defend and we blame. But we talk about it, we admit our faults and we grow together. To build and reunify again and again. We forgive and we move forward. And above all we really do love each other.

My prayer for you both, G-d willing, is to find your beshert in G-'d's time. That you, my daughters, and your other halves out there - wherever they may be - that you all grow up surrounded by love and respect. In the meantime, I will try to do my part to give you the best (and most realistic) view of a happy marriage that I can.

We are so Blessed to have each other. That we live as we do, safe and Loved, beyond measure.
These are my thoughts today, your father's birthday. May you always know, deep down, how loved your are. May you know love and be as content with your dodi as I have been Blessed to be.

Love, always,


Mama

Happy birthday Rina

Dear Marcella,

For almost 9 years, I have been able to say I am a mom. Most days I remember that you are our rainbow baby and I recall what it was like to be without you. The last few years have been a challenge (I don't care if I am not supposed to say that, it is true). And I have never loved anyone so fiercely before you. I am so Blessed, we are all so Blessed to have you in our lives. As I went into your birthday weekend these are my thoughts...

Ella, you and your sister, your dad, our little family are the center of my life. I know some days are not easy for you. But I can tell how safe and loved you feel at home with me and your dad. And I am grateful for every person in our lives who makes this real life the best ever. We love you Mars Ella Marcella Kathleen Rina Simcha!

Happy Birthday!
Love, Mama