bek bek at 3

Dear Rebekah,

You are hilarious.
Now that you are three, and have much more to say, I want to let you know what you have been up to.

You have definite opinions about what not to wear, what to eat and Hello Kitty.
You love fresh fruit and bread – especially pita. You adore water and lemonade. Above all though, you want sweets….chocolate, marshmallows, frozen yogurt with toppings. And you (and your sister) love sour gummy toppings. Absolute favorite food though – pistachios. True story. You insist on trying to open them yourself. When you cannot, you label them as “bad” and give them to me or Daddy. As if the pistachios themselves proved beneath you or of lesser quality….

I love that you are proud and want everything to seem like your idea but that we can see that you love to copy your sister. Of course that works out better for me and daddy when your sister is behaving well.

You love love love everything Hello Kitty. You have HK plates, cups, spoons and forks. Once you went to school with HK bedazzled jeans and matching t-shirt, HK underwear and a large HK tattoo on your arm.
Oh, and HK socks. Amazing.

Favorite things to do: Sing with Marcella. Mostly Frozen sound track remixes that include Ivrit (I have no idea what you guys are saying). Dance. You enjoy dancing. So I got you a class. You enjoyed watching everyone in your class dance. It was the one time you wouldn’t dance. Hugs. You love to say, “my name is Olav and I like warm hugs.” Tickle Mama. Unfortunately, both you and your sister have discovered that hugging Mama’s leg tickles her and you think it is so funny. Except I am trying not to hurl you across the room in a knee jerk reaction.

Funny little things you do…You get really mad, really fast and it is so cute it is hard not to giggle (sorry). Which makes you hold your breath. When you don’t want to do something (anything not your idea) you say, “Um. No thanks” or “Not yet”. When you want to say yes you say, “Ummmmmm yes” or “Oh yes”. Never just “yes”. I think you are the slowest eater I have ever met (we are forever putting your meals in bags for the car or giving you a head start on dinner). 

When I snap at you, you come back later and say, “you were mad but not right now”.

Tonight at dinner, I was was explaining to you and Marcella how I would be working a 12 midnight to 7 am shift for the rest of the week. Ella asked me some questions, gave me a hug. You had been sitting at the other end of the table, head on your hand, nodding and smiling. At the end of my explanation of what happened, how Mama is needed at night, how I will come home and get you both ready for camp in the morning and sleep all day, until you and Ella wake me up after camp and then I will start my day, get you to bed and go back to work….you smiled at me and said, “I am eating rice.” Then you gave the toothiest grin.

Keeping it real. I love it.

These last few weeks, something incredibly sad happened in Israel. I won’t go into the details here. But lets just say, I treasure every little nuance, every grin and honestly, tonight, even the tantrum you threw at Sweet Frog when I wanted to put you in the car and let you finish your yogurt in the car. True to yourself you threw your head back and wailed, held your breath until turning red and refused the rest of your yogurt. I am so happy to have you both here with me, safe in our home. For whatever borrowed time I have with you, I am grateful. And I love you.

Yours, always, Mama.

5 years

Darling Marcella,

I don’t know what in the world I did with my life five years and one day ago….but the last five years have been so rich and full. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. It is like it just began 5 years ago today.

Sometimes I seem to hurry through life. Go here, do this, finish that. But last night I set aside time. I built a dollhouse. Daddy tried to help but….well, you know I am stubborn. For some reason it seemed like a girls gift. For some reason, I wanted to build it myself. Years from now, I don’t know if you will remember the dollhouse or what will come of it, but I will remember it.

As I built it I thought of the child I once was, playing with a doll house at Aunt Bette’s house in Nebraska. I could spend hours playing with it. The possibilities of life seemed endless to me then. So much has happened since, some pleasant and wonderful, some not so much. Like every parent, I suppose, I have a child and I want to impart all these lessons on you. Protect you from life harshness, but let you see it’s wonder. I want you to know what roads not to take without experiencing any skinned knees or heartache of your own. Teach you to be safe and smart and make wise decisions. Or make them for you while I can. Give you everything, without spoiling you at all. I guess I am still trying to make believe in some ways.

The thing is, I love you….beyond reasoning really. Enough to want to make the impossible seem probable. Enough to plan in hopes and dreams and wishes. Enough to open my heart back to that cozy space that was reserved for Aunt Bette’s warm kitchen, doll house, great big hugs and endless supply of Bess’ fudge. Parts of my heart that I thought were broken and swept away are aired out and quite full again. This is Love that is not because of something you do or don’t do. It just is here, for you, and always.

So about you, as a person….You are too smart. A little scary actually, how smart you are. Quite sensitive to sugar highs and lows. Gorgeous….incredibly gorgeous. Creative. Hilarious. A bit tempestuous, but mature enough to reason with if you aren’t overtired.  You are kind in a naturally sweet way rather than a learned way. You are strong but still sensitive behind that. For that I hope you know what I did not at your age. That your father and I love you, unconditionally, and no matter what.

I love you my sweet girl. I am yours,
Mama