and you will Know Peace

Marcella,

My heart is filled with love and wonder at the light and beauty you bring to the world. You could say, "a mother must say these things", and while that may be so, you are a force, a vessel of love and light. Your soul, your thirst for knowledge and understanding, your creativity... these attributes I have watched grow and develop are such a blessing to me and all who are close to you.

I know, you have had one of the most challenging and sometimes difficult years, especially the last several months. Just as your love and light can brighten an entire room, your fear and anxiety are impressively strong forces as well.

My heart has broken several times this year as you have had moments when I have been unable to reason, hug or Love away your capacity to spiral inward. Yet we have forged ahead. Your father and I have been challenged and together, with you, with the help of those around us - teachers, counselors, friends, clergy - we have met this beast head on. Together we can and are bringing light to that darkness.

I have questioned myself, this year, taken stock of how we conduct ourselves, how I comport myself. Sometimes, I do not know what to do or if we are on the right path. We have had to change course here and there.  No matter what life brings, we invariably find there are so many people in our lives that help, advise, pitch in, offer experience. From little esteem builders: allowing you to participate in painting sets for a stage play (including putting your name in the program) to the more direct assistance: our beloved Mrs. Fran inviting us back into the fold for weekly meetings with you. What I am saying to you is no matter what comes, and dark times are a part of what makes the light times shine so bright, we are Loved beyond measure. This part of the path is clear. We are offered the right assistance, without fail, at the right time. Sometimes, in the thick of it, it does not seem like it will be alright. And, frankly, sometimes it just is not alright. Sometimes you are not okay. Sometimes your father, sister and I are not either. But we are a team, we are here for each other.

You may not believe this but there was a time, not so long ago, when the expectation was if someone was not okay, they should keep it to themselves and quietly trudge ahead. The fact that we can have the conversations we have with each other and with our friends and supporters, never ceases to be miraculous to me. There are so many people that have helped and brought hope and Love into our lives, it is astounding to me.

And another thing, this aspect of you, while powerful, is not, thank G-d, all encompassing. You have become more creative, more articulate, more loving. You are an amazing, gorgeous and delightful person. I am so thankful to have your presence in my life. You continue to have so much to bring and teach me. I just love you to pieces. What an amazing journey and adventure we are on. As the Blessings of our life continue to unfold, I hope our own bond continues to build. May you always know, deep down, where You are, where it is neither dark nor light but just Is, that I am by your side as long as you need me.

Yours, always,
mama.