mean girls. June 2015

Well my darlings,

There will always be mean people. Before we become grown ups (at least most of us) we have trouble accepting that other people are different than us – that we are each a unique creation.

What I want you to know is I will listen. And sometimes when I listen I want to say some choice things or rant or tell you what I think, but what I have learned is as a guide for you in this sometimes fractured world, the best I can do at first is just listen. Be a vessel for your stresses and concerns. A sounding board for your thoughts.

Today one of you told me how someone said they did not want to be your friend anymore. They will pretend they are sick if you invite them over. (I have to hand it to them, it is a bit clever and thought out…are we already at this stage?) It doesn’t matter what I thought but I stopped and listened. Then I asked you, how did that make you feel, and you, having learned some skills in the field of communications recently, did what I did not know how to do until I was in my 20’s. You said, “It made me sad.” So I told you, which is true, that it made me sad too.

You see my first reaction in my head was fear and anxiety followed closely by a sense that I cannot handle this. You reminded me what was going on under all of that – it was sad. You see,  I pressed a fast forward button to stressed-out and afraid. Something I had installed a long time ago. These emotions are not particularly helpful. Its just a very ingrained habit. In the mornings I say that G-d is my banner and my refuge…G-d is with me and I shall not fear….but I forget. Thank you darlings, for reminding me.

So there are mean people. My secret is out. There will be people that seem mean but maybe are not. And there will be people that are okay, they just don’t like you. There are people that don’t like me. It is just is part of personality. But there are two things I have come to understand that I hope you will understand too. One is that people are mean for a reason but that reason is not usually you. I mean we all make mistakes and we may make someone upset and they react to our actions. However, a person’s likes and dislikes are, interestingly enough, not our responsibility and they are often not personal. People can be mean because they don’t know better, they are afraid, they are tired, they have mean influences at home. But it is not really about you. The second thing is that it can hurt and make us feel sad, but it does not define you. You are loved and liked and cherished. Don’t worry, I hope to always remind you of that to my last breath. And be yourself. Whatever that is – your father and I support you, love you and stand by you!

And remember you are a kid – you should tell someone if something does not seem right. Ask for help. Call someone out in front of a teacher – “that is teasing” or  “that is mean and I am asking you to stop”.

The most important thing of all, don’t be the mean kid – ever. And even more important, if you see someone being mean to someone else – go tell them you are their friend, you are on their side. The Torah says we stand by and for each other. And to do nothing for someone being picked on is not okay. We lift each other up and take care of each other. It is what we do. Reaching out and being a friend to someone that is sad or hurt is part of tikkun olam. Repairing our little corners of the world. And anytime we do not take that step we miss that chance to be a part of the forces of good.

I wish sometimes the world was different. I have mused the idea of us hiding out in our own Utopia where there are no mean people. But sometimes I am the mean person, sadly. Baruch Hashem you are still to little to follow the news. Either I am getting older or the world is getting scarier. But why is this? I don’t know all the answers but I do know it brings me back to what you have reminded me of again today. G-d is my Rock, when I have pain and trouble…my Banner and Refuge. G-d is with us…we need not fear.

I love you both…
Mama