Foundations

My darlings,

So this story begins before I went to Israel. Going back a few years. Okay...more than a few years. When very young I was quite sensitive to the notion that in order to be happy in this life one should be beautiful. I looked at the world around me and decided the more beautiful you are, the easier life must and would be. At a very early age, I remember thinking that maybe I was. But then life started to seem harder for me. School was hard. Getting my work done was hard. Having friends seemed more difficult than it should. I was not sure what was happening to me. For one reason or another I decided I knew what was wrong. I was not pretty... or worse. For one thing, I was too skinny and for some reason people not only seemed convinced I was skinny on purpose but my being skinny was truly offensive to people. It actually seemed to cause some people to go out of their way to be mean to me. I would come home from high school and eat peanut better and honey sandwiches with a side of white rice but I could never put on a pound.

Then, as often happens in life, I did not realize I had something to be thankful for until it was gone. Right around the end of high school I was struck with a terrible and recurrent case of acne. From 17 until about 28 I had that terrible acne that when you see someone on the street with it, you feel bad for them before you look away. Or at least, that is what I imagined people were thinking. Even after a cure from a wonderful dermatologist all I could see was that I had scars everywhere. Since then I have been cautious with the angle of photographs, purchased products to deflect light, paid for laser treatments, fillers...and much more to "fix" myself. I will say I did also yearn to be more grateful, to accept myself as I was, as I am. To be honest, as much as I have tried to amend my appearance, I have tried to be happy with myself as I was. As I am. I really did try.

So fast forward, and I am about to go to Israel. I prepared carefully for the trip. You see at each pre-trip meeting I saw these other women I would be traveling with. They were naturally beautiful. Some were the more tailored, put-together types that I wanted to look like. Some seemed to be more the laid back, come as you are types that my heart longed to be like. But somewhere - deep down, from a place that I could not reason with, admit was there but still listened to - I thought - I could never be put together nor could I be casual. If I tried to be all put together and step out like I tried, I would only see how I didn't do it right, it looked phony or sloppy and so I would spend all this time and either never look at myself in the mirror the rest of the day or take it all off. And if I tried to be casual I would accost myself trying to cover imperfections while looking like I had not tried. Exhausting. Expensive. Time consuming. And my darling girls none of that addressed or helped my broken heart. I think makeup was probably meant to be fun or an accessory...but for me it felt like a need and a chore. Like taxes or board re-certification.

So I arrive in Israel. I carefully unpack my things - you know how I do. And on the first morning I go to my foundation, and pump the container and...it is nearly empty. I panic inside. All that preparation and I am going to run out of foundation. Take my lipstick, mascara...even my under eye concealer...but without foundation... all those scars! So I did what I am used to doing, unconsciously, and I just don't look in the mirror for few days. I mean I know how to look without looking. Without seeing.

By the time of the morning of the 3rd day of our Israel trip we had already been to some truly meaningful places. I had already been to Tiberias, resting place of Rabbi Akiva, whose journey into learning has been such an inspiration to me. We dined as a group while overlooking the Kinneret. I had been to Tsfat, learned of the great battles there, sat in some holy places.
On the morning the 3rd day of our trip we were going to listen to a speaker named Adrienne talk about self esteem and the media or some such thing. Whatever it was my roommate was really looking forward to hearing her. I put on my carefully planned outfit and the necklace I picked up for myself at a market on the first day. And then I did something I had not done in a few days. I looked at my face. Then I thought to myself, "there must be some beauty secret in the water here. I must be getting a tan or something with all this walking around we are doing. I have run out of foundation and I look okay. I even look pretty good." And I put on lipstick for fun and went out the door.

I sat down with my group and I listened to our speaker's story. And it was my story too. Not exactly the same, of course, but in essence. I heard about having a self-message that kept us down. About painful beliefs. About knowing the feeling of "ugly". And I realized and admitted the way I was really thinking about myself. Even as a grown woman - I still had a cruel voice inside that was doing me harm. And I realized and admitted that what I really wanted and craved in this world cannot be touched by how I look or what anyone else thinks about how I look. That my heart's truest wishes for life and love do not have to be held in bondage by a false sense of myself. By lies.

And then It happened. I thought back to the morning and laughed through tears about how I had looked and supposed it was Israeli magic or the sun or something that made me look better. I realized the truth - I had the same face in that mirror that morning that I had brought with me to Israel. The same face that my daughters, you two dears, look at everyday. The same face my husband (Daddy) sees all the time. My face was not being transformed. My vision was being transformed. I was just seeing myself, really, for the first time in a long long time. And there was and is nothing wrong with my face. Just my perception.

And I was sitting there, surrounded by my sisters-on-the-trip and I was (and am) one of the us. No longer am I separated from them in my mind. We are a sisterhood, bound by some incredible experiences. And I thank G-d my perception changed so I could see myself and my place with them. I mean with us.

So what is my hope for you, my darlings? Of course I hope you see how gorgeous you are while also living your life knowing that looks will fade or diminish but your spirit never has to. But more than that, I hope you always know you are part of your friends - the ones you have now and the ones you have not met yet. May you be surrounded by dear friends that lift you up and support you. May you have a soul mate who esteems you and honors you. And that you know deep down that you are never alone. May you both grow to honor yourselves rather than keep yourselves down and apart.

For you both will always be loved. By G-d, by your family and always by me.

With all my heart, I am yours,

Mama

P.S. Courtesy of Adrienne, here is a song about freedom https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8