Eretz Israel

Dear anyone who has ever felt like a phony or alone in this world,

and of course, to my darling children,

Where to begin.... First, my darlings, my hope is that you both seek and find your place in this world as you grow from little children to young ladies. This seems to be the natural course of things. Although for me I physically grew without much internal development for some time. This has been my path and I am not ashamed to admit it. It is just not what I hope for you because life was uncertain and anxiety provoking for so long. This is not what I want for you, or anyone for that matter.

My dream for you both is that even when you are not sure of the way, you know you are always supported and loved. This I think, was my most costly mistake in life. This is what robbed me of many opportunities for joy and happiness. That my only certainty in life was that I was alone.

I would add here that G-d willing the road ahead of you both is not too rocky but not completely without difficulty. What a strange thing to hope for - you may be wondering at that. Well I hope you understand, as I now do, that it should not be too easy or there will be no growth. My path to finding my home in this world was stunted and delayed by my attempts at shortcuts. My journey through this world often seemed to me to be unfair and always seemed disjointed. As if, sadly enough, there really was no point to this life.

So what does this have to do with Israel?  As it turns out, and not to be too dramatic about it, my journey through and around Eretz Israel, has lead me to home. I mean a real Home. I do not mean, that I went and now must make aliyah. No, I mean I am at home - here, in my skin. Here, in my room where I am writing this to you. Really writing this for anyone that needs to know. And for myself, so that I am may remember. Although I cannot imagine ever forgetting.

People say, "how was your trip?" "It was incredible", I say wistfully. "I rode on a camel". As if that explains anything or everything. But what I know, what I have felt and seen, is hard to describe and of course is not for casual conversation.

In essence, what has happened is I now can see, Thank G-d, that each trial has had a purpose, each teardrop was a byproduct of the hollowing out needed to make a place for the fullness now in my heart. Each fear and anxiety was a question I had that needed to be answered. If those broken pieces inside of me had not been there, I would not be me. And being me today is actually quite amazing.
(That is a sentence, I can assure you with all sincerity that I never would have written about myself before last week. It is with great Joy that I write it now.)

Not that I am some ungrateful brat who cried in her soup and was not thankful for a full and rich life. I mean here I am, in a nation and a time in history where I have rights and freedoms denied to so many others let alone to a Jewish woman. I have worked very hard to see the world with eyes of optimism. To see the bright side of things and people. The difference is today I do not have to toil or strive. It is just there, in my very full heart. Hope.

So I will attempt, in the next series of letters, to post here an account of what has transpired. I do this with the  humility that comes from only having mere words to try to illustrate the indescribable. How does one describe matters of the spirit with words. (sigh). I also am cognizant that not everything is suitable for sharing with the world or even with you two dears.

In fact, I came home knowing I must write. So there will be more to follow. One letter at a time.

If for some reason something happens and it is not meant to be - I mean to say if I had to just relay one message, one overarching experience to speak for all that has happened in me... it would be this.

Before I left, in fact the night I packed for the trip, I was certain as I could be that I should not go. The 24 hours before I left I was in a dark spot. Full of anxiety about leaving you both, among other things. This was coupled with insecurities that I had just come to live with for so long I could no longer distinguish them from my sense of myself. Unpleasant messages about myself to myself. Beliefs about myself that ran deep. I thought they were me, the real me. The part that you do not talk about in normal circles.  Those things that cannot be erased no matter how much money I could have, no matter how much I could spend, no matter how many hugs I could get from friends, no matter how many people paid me a compliment, no matter how hard I worked or how much I achieved. No matter if a wonderful man I loved committed to me in marriage. No matter if I was Blessed with children who loved me. I was certain that I was a pretend person, living a borrowed life. And I did not realize it so much as just felt an unpleasant sense of not belonging in my own life since I can remember.

Those beliefs about myself caused me great pain. It really does not matter what they are, at lease not for this letter. Anyone who has been afraid or felt alone can just fill in their own self defeating messages. So what happened in Israel? A series of events occurred that peeled away those beliefs one by one. I had been chipping away at myself for so long, it was just second nature. I experienced a series of experiences while in Israel that answered those insecurities that I thought I deserved, that I did not even realize were questions. I found myself, my real self.

It was Israel for me. It may be something else for someone else. For me, it had to be Israel. It had to be the women I was with - so many of then were part of that journey. It had to be everything that happened prior and everything that happened there. And after all that, I know it is just a new beginning. That growth has to proceed outward. But also that to be made real and true, it must be shared.

And so here we are my darlings. More to come,
Yours, always,
Mama