may 2015

my darlings.

I do not need to tell you what a busy year it has been. But I cannot believe it has been a year!

No excuses there. So much has happened and transitioned this year, it has been amazing. And a bit scary. So what brings me back to the world of blogger, you may ask…

I saw the sliver of a moon and you were not with me. I was working late and coming home late and missing my darling children and my amazing husband. And I saw a sliver of the moon in a deep blue-green sky. I knew I could not translate the moment or photograph it in a meaningful way. So I went from missing you both to appreciating every moment we do have.

Which brings me to what is next. In the last year you both have learned to daven so beautifully and well. I love to hear your songs of praise and prayer and celebration. And while school can teach you Ivrit and the words, how can you know the heart of the matter?

Recently someone commented that the time for prayer is the time to stop and breathe. And Blessed are we that you both have carefree lives free of terror and abject fear. We have food in our bellies and cozy beds, blankets with a roof overhead. I know you see it sometimes in your parents that when we become “grown ups” we can get “stressed” about time and money and recognition and respect. And forget to stop and see the moon, bring our hearts back to The Source, the moment.

In the morning, when I daven – whether nice and early in my chair  (you know the one) or in the car before going into work or in the halls of the hospital, I seek to go back to The Source. To center and remember what pride and fear always forget. Love. Peace. Awe. I seek for what could merely be a ritual to awaken me to faith and wonder every day.

What I want you to know is these words and songs you say and sing so beautifully can be there for you – when you fall or you hurt, have fear or shame. That whether we make a mistake or someone else does, Hashem is there, Thank G-d, and there is a comfort beyond all measure. I knowyour sweet little lives have had some challenges but not much pain (Blessed is G-d). I know that (Blessed is G-d) you both are sleeping, soundly and peacefully right now, in this moment. I just checked on you both…. I can see that you know Love. And believe you me, with all the power your father and I have we would see you comforted and safe and secure and basking in Love. But when you cannot see us, when you cannot reach for us, please know you are Always Beloved.

May your prayers and songs always be a blessing to you both. I know each time I hear your sweet words and songs, it is a blessing to me.

Yours, with love always,

Mama

mean girls. June 2015

Well my darlings,

There will always be mean people. Before we become grown ups (at least most of us) we have trouble accepting that other people are different than us – that we are each a unique creation.

What I want you to know is I will listen. And sometimes when I listen I want to say some choice things or rant or tell you what I think, but what I have learned is as a guide for you in this sometimes fractured world, the best I can do at first is just listen. Be a vessel for your stresses and concerns. A sounding board for your thoughts.

Today one of you told me how someone said they did not want to be your friend anymore. They will pretend they are sick if you invite them over. (I have to hand it to them, it is a bit clever and thought out…are we already at this stage?) It doesn’t matter what I thought but I stopped and listened. Then I asked you, how did that make you feel, and you, having learned some skills in the field of communications recently, did what I did not know how to do until I was in my 20’s. You said, “It made me sad.” So I told you, which is true, that it made me sad too.

You see my first reaction in my head was fear and anxiety followed closely by a sense that I cannot handle this. You reminded me what was going on under all of that – it was sad. You see,  I pressed a fast forward button to stressed-out and afraid. Something I had installed a long time ago. These emotions are not particularly helpful. Its just a very ingrained habit. In the mornings I say that G-d is my banner and my refuge…G-d is with me and I shall not fear….but I forget. Thank you darlings, for reminding me.

So there are mean people. My secret is out. There will be people that seem mean but maybe are not. And there will be people that are okay, they just don’t like you. There are people that don’t like me. It is just is part of personality. But there are two things I have come to understand that I hope you will understand too. One is that people are mean for a reason but that reason is not usually you. I mean we all make mistakes and we may make someone upset and they react to our actions. However, a person’s likes and dislikes are, interestingly enough, not our responsibility and they are often not personal. People can be mean because they don’t know better, they are afraid, they are tired, they have mean influences at home. But it is not really about you. The second thing is that it can hurt and make us feel sad, but it does not define you. You are loved and liked and cherished. Don’t worry, I hope to always remind you of that to my last breath. And be yourself. Whatever that is – your father and I support you, love you and stand by you!

And remember you are a kid – you should tell someone if something does not seem right. Ask for help. Call someone out in front of a teacher – “that is teasing” or  “that is mean and I am asking you to stop”.

The most important thing of all, don’t be the mean kid – ever. And even more important, if you see someone being mean to someone else – go tell them you are their friend, you are on their side. The Torah says we stand by and for each other. And to do nothing for someone being picked on is not okay. We lift each other up and take care of each other. It is what we do. Reaching out and being a friend to someone that is sad or hurt is part of tikkun olam. Repairing our little corners of the world. And anytime we do not take that step we miss that chance to be a part of the forces of good.

I wish sometimes the world was different. I have mused the idea of us hiding out in our own Utopia where there are no mean people. But sometimes I am the mean person, sadly. Baruch Hashem you are still to little to follow the news. Either I am getting older or the world is getting scarier. But why is this? I don’t know all the answers but I do know it brings me back to what you have reminded me of again today. G-d is my Rock, when I have pain and trouble…my Banner and Refuge. G-d is with us…we need not fear.

I love you both…
Mama

bek bek at 3

Dear Rebekah,

You are hilarious.
Now that you are three, and have much more to say, I want to let you know what you have been up to.

You have definite opinions about what not to wear, what to eat and Hello Kitty.
You love fresh fruit and bread – especially pita. You adore water and lemonade. Above all though, you want sweets….chocolate, marshmallows, frozen yogurt with toppings. And you (and your sister) love sour gummy toppings. Absolute favorite food though – pistachios. True story. You insist on trying to open them yourself. When you cannot, you label them as “bad” and give them to me or Daddy. As if the pistachios themselves proved beneath you or of lesser quality….

I love that you are proud and want everything to seem like your idea but that we can see that you love to copy your sister. Of course that works out better for me and daddy when your sister is behaving well.

You love love love everything Hello Kitty. You have HK plates, cups, spoons and forks. Once you went to school with HK bedazzled jeans and matching t-shirt, HK underwear and a large HK tattoo on your arm.
Oh, and HK socks. Amazing.

Favorite things to do: Sing with Marcella. Mostly Frozen sound track remixes that include Ivrit (I have no idea what you guys are saying). Dance. You enjoy dancing. So I got you a class. You enjoyed watching everyone in your class dance. It was the one time you wouldn’t dance. Hugs. You love to say, “my name is Olav and I like warm hugs.” Tickle Mama. Unfortunately, both you and your sister have discovered that hugging Mama’s leg tickles her and you think it is so funny. Except I am trying not to hurl you across the room in a knee jerk reaction.

Funny little things you do…You get really mad, really fast and it is so cute it is hard not to giggle (sorry). Which makes you hold your breath. When you don’t want to do something (anything not your idea) you say, “Um. No thanks” or “Not yet”. When you want to say yes you say, “Ummmmmm yes” or “Oh yes”. Never just “yes”. I think you are the slowest eater I have ever met (we are forever putting your meals in bags for the car or giving you a head start on dinner). 

When I snap at you, you come back later and say, “you were mad but not right now”.

Tonight at dinner, I was was explaining to you and Marcella how I would be working a 12 midnight to 7 am shift for the rest of the week. Ella asked me some questions, gave me a hug. You had been sitting at the other end of the table, head on your hand, nodding and smiling. At the end of my explanation of what happened, how Mama is needed at night, how I will come home and get you both ready for camp in the morning and sleep all day, until you and Ella wake me up after camp and then I will start my day, get you to bed and go back to work….you smiled at me and said, “I am eating rice.” Then you gave the toothiest grin.

Keeping it real. I love it.

These last few weeks, something incredibly sad happened in Israel. I won’t go into the details here. But lets just say, I treasure every little nuance, every grin and honestly, tonight, even the tantrum you threw at Sweet Frog when I wanted to put you in the car and let you finish your yogurt in the car. True to yourself you threw your head back and wailed, held your breath until turning red and refused the rest of your yogurt. I am so happy to have you both here with me, safe in our home. For whatever borrowed time I have with you, I am grateful. And I love you.

Yours, always, Mama.

5 years

Darling Marcella,

I don’t know what in the world I did with my life five years and one day ago….but the last five years have been so rich and full. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. It is like it just began 5 years ago today.

Sometimes I seem to hurry through life. Go here, do this, finish that. But last night I set aside time. I built a dollhouse. Daddy tried to help but….well, you know I am stubborn. For some reason it seemed like a girls gift. For some reason, I wanted to build it myself. Years from now, I don’t know if you will remember the dollhouse or what will come of it, but I will remember it.

As I built it I thought of the child I once was, playing with a doll house at Aunt Bette’s house in Nebraska. I could spend hours playing with it. The possibilities of life seemed endless to me then. So much has happened since, some pleasant and wonderful, some not so much. Like every parent, I suppose, I have a child and I want to impart all these lessons on you. Protect you from life harshness, but let you see it’s wonder. I want you to know what roads not to take without experiencing any skinned knees or heartache of your own. Teach you to be safe and smart and make wise decisions. Or make them for you while I can. Give you everything, without spoiling you at all. I guess I am still trying to make believe in some ways.

The thing is, I love you….beyond reasoning really. Enough to want to make the impossible seem probable. Enough to plan in hopes and dreams and wishes. Enough to open my heart back to that cozy space that was reserved for Aunt Bette’s warm kitchen, doll house, great big hugs and endless supply of Bess’ fudge. Parts of my heart that I thought were broken and swept away are aired out and quite full again. This is Love that is not because of something you do or don’t do. It just is here, for you, and always.

So about you, as a person….You are too smart. A little scary actually, how smart you are. Quite sensitive to sugar highs and lows. Gorgeous….incredibly gorgeous. Creative. Hilarious. A bit tempestuous, but mature enough to reason with if you aren’t overtired.  You are kind in a naturally sweet way rather than a learned way. You are strong but still sensitive behind that. For that I hope you know what I did not at your age. That your father and I love you, unconditionally, and no matter what.

I love you my sweet girl. I am yours,
Mama

real moments in parenting

1. Ella and I are making glitter time-out bottles and I act like the one that needs a time out when she spills glitter water on the counter. (Note to self: just wipe it up – it is no big deal.) Yelling is never the answer and makes me feel terrible.
2. My kids like to pretend they are putting each other in time out and laugh about it. Who is really in charge?
3. Weirdest thing my kids do right now. My 4 year old gets the 2 year old to go into the bathroom with her to go poop. She tells her there is surprises in the bathroom and they talk about life while she does her business. My 2 year old always falls for the, “there is surprises in the bathroom” line.

Can anyone top that for weird? It is on so many levels.

fall adventures and misadventures

Darlings,

A week off of school and so much has happened. This fall has been full of changes: some marvelous and thrilling and some….not so much. Now that you both are in school your father and I have joined the ranks of those who must find childcare during school breaks or stay home. So my first “staycation” was born – I have not done something like this since I was on maternity leave for Bekah 2 years ago. I, of course, planned tons of activities and had plenty of ideas. You both, of course, reminded me to stop taking photos and have fun.

First we went to Nona and Papa’s for the Sukkot holiday and we went Sukkah hopping…For those readers who do not know, this is the festival that celebrates the sheltering of the Isrealites in the wilderness or more archaically, the feast of the tabernacles.The Sukkah is the shelter on constructs outside your home and take all your meals in for the week of Sukkot. (Yes, rain or shine). And Sukkah hopping is visiting neighbors, checking out their Sukkah and its decorations and collecting candy. Yes, candy. (And now my darlings, you are saying – we know all this, who is your real audience!?)

Rebekah – you ate more candy in 2 days than I have given you in your life. Of course I cannot account for what Nona does when I am not looking. We really enjoyed friends and family. It is so amazing to unplug from TV and iPads and just be with each other as a family for a few days.

Marcella – you and I went on a pirate ship and suffered the challenges of your imagination and fear…After 2 weeks of planning you did not want to go the day of. I prayed on it after I was more than indignant with you (sorry again about that) and we went up there and took a chance to see what you thought once you were actually there. You loved it and I learned (again) it cannot matter so much to me that you do or not – just that we have this time together. You also, Ella, have been a bit obsessed with cooking and so far this week have made soup, apple pie, apple sauce and many batches of lemonade. This you have done with mama, daddy and Nona as well as Aunt Danielle.

Yesterday we went apple picking at a farm – Nona and Papa came too! I took 84 pictures and finally realized I needed to stop watching you have fun and have fun with you. You both were playing in the hay stacks and I jumped in. We piled hay on my head, rolled in it, fell down on purpose an laughed until it hurt. I could see the delight in both of your eyes that I was letting my hair get messed up and laughing along with you.

In the meantime, some other changes have been occurring in the background. Changes that you both probably will not remember and that we have been careful to shelter you from. One of your papas, Papa Craig, mama’s daddy, has been getting sick. It has been happening for several months – but as in everything in life one is closest too, it is hard to see until your nose is right up against the glass. It is not sick like the convenient story line of a well choreographed film either. It is inconvenient, sad, aggravating and hard. I am telling this because I want you to know one of life’s great lessons for mama. I can plan plans but results are up to outside forces and somethings in life are difficult. Somethings make you cry and lose sleep and will even break your heart. But guess what – the Power of Hashem is that I can gush and cuddle and love you both on raining days and sunny days. We can have the best staycation ever because of the Power of G-d and His Love.

People have told me, He will provide to those that have faith. You both will have to find your own path with this. For my understanding, that does not mean so much that He will work it out in a way to my liking or not my liking. My experience has been that life is impersonal sometimes and nature will take its course. We all have a beginning and an end. But because of Hashem – the middle is filled with hay fights, pirates, candy and smiles. To me it is like the jelly in a doughnut – the apple with the honey.

I love you both to pieces,

Mama